Anti-Hero

Hey. We don’t talk much, and I apologize, no lie. I can’t imagine the surprise on Mom’s and Dad’s face when they found about you. I don’t want to fathom their devastation when they knew the truth though. Because, well, you know Mom, she’s over dramatic and drastic and erratic and will always take things too far. She always gets a little emotional when we visit you.

But Dad, I mean even to me he’s still an enigma, you know? Maybe you’ve seen more things in him than I have, you’re probably with him more times in the day anyways. But his pain is probably immense. Especially since it’s Dad, he’ll never talk about any of these things. So maybe you can shed some light on the matter at hand, make me understand about this man we call Dad.

I can only vaguely experience his frustration at the world. His situation losing his baby girl. And it’s not your fault: I ain’t sayin’ that! It’s just that, Dad, is all traditional and man of the house-y and and when your flame doused and you fell asleep I think he might have been crushed a little. Did he feel defeat? Incomplete? Desolate and utter retreat because he could never put your shoes on your feet, put you in the car seat. Do you know if he felt weak?

Mom always talks about “Oh if I had a daughter then this would be different” but Dad’s never said it. I think he’s thought it a lot though. I think he’s pictured being able to give a toast at your wedding, even in his broken English, watching your face as you open your birthday present, seeing you blossom through adolescence, he’s probably thought about this a lot. I know I’ve thought how different our existence would be if you persisted. I’ve insisted that having a sister would be an assistance on my life, and if I’m any way cut from the same cloth Dad is, he’s for sure had his fair share of thoughts on this.

Do you find it weird that I miss you? They say the issue with that is that you can’t miss what you never had. But Mom and Dad had you for 3 days, and you never stop being a mother or a father. That connection goes farther and is never extinguished. It stretches to me too.

P.S. Tell Justin I said hi! We figured you guys might catch up or something.